Social & Emotional Competence of Children
Social and Emotional Competence: the ability to function, interact, respond, and cope successfully and age appropriately in relationships across contexts: Family, peers, school, etc.
The socially and emotionally competent child:
Has positive feelings about self, and ca empathize with others.
Feels capable of doing things, and is willing to try new things.
Self-regulates well enough to cope with difficulty, and is persistent enough to try again.
Has good communication skills and can make needs and feelings known.
Can make friends, engage in groups with rules and structure, and work to resolve problems with others. (All of these will be present to a developmentally appropriate degree.)
FOSTERING SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL COMPETENCE
These abilities must be learned, and develop with good, nurturing attachment to caregivers, positive parenting, and appropriate social and emotional stimulation.
Provide an environment that feels safe, both physically and emotionally, and that allows children to express their emotions without judgment (A “Safe Haven”).
Encourage children to take appropriate risks in exploring people and experiences around them, all the while, providing watchful supervision (A “Secure Base”).
Be crystal clear in setting limits and expectations, and provide consistent follow-through.
Clarify the difference between feelings and behaviors-“anger is ok, hitting is not.” (Children need permission to feel their feelings before they can manage them.)
Model positive social and emotional skills for children and reinforce their positive efforts.
Engage children in problem-solving. Ask, “What do you think? Is there another way to do that?”
Allow struggle. We don’t need to protect them from difficulties; we need to help them cope and manage them. “I’m here if you need me” is better than “Let me do that for you.”
Encourage and model empathetic thinking: “I wonder what that other little boy was feeling.” “Susie should not have done that, but I bet she was acting out because she was mad.”
Shame, the deep and abiding sense that one is unworthy, unlovable, and unacceptable, is the enemy to social and emotional competence.
Shame discourages taking responsibility and positive change.
Avoid shame-based parenting, discipline, and language. Place value judgments on behavior, but never on the child (“I love you even when you are angry.”)
